It happened.

So, it finally happened. I knew that it would eventually. This morning, without warning I got hit with an emotional ton of bricks. As I pealed off the last of the bandages and was left totally naked in front on my mirror, I felt badly about how I look. My rational mind knows that I really barely look different to even my closest friends- who have, by the way, been clinically investigating the details of my new body for the last eight weeks at my request. My inner-critic, however, is irrational sometimes and sorta nasty. She is a tiny,but competitive and aggressive, inner voice that alerts me of my every fault or misstep. She is kind of a nasty bitch, but she keeps me moving forever forward even when I want to throw in the towel. As I closely examined myself at every angle I saw things that I didn’t like. There are parts of my breasts that look almost angular, bumps that stick out, slight asymmetry, and they are ever-so-stationary. When I move I can see my muscles move over them and ripple in an unnatural way. I tried putting on a bra, but none fit. Honestly, I only have four (a black one, a nude one, and two pretty ones) and they were all the wrong shape, or size, or sat directly on my freshly exposed incision. Ouch. I tried on many outfits so I could Nothing looked right. Everything “fits” but nothing felt good. I know that it has only been a week and that my body needs time to heal, but I have spent so much of my reserve patience already. Where do I find more?! I am sure that this feeling, which is rather empty and hollow, will pass and that I will accept my new normal. For now though, I am happy to have long and wild hair that for the most part covers the upper third of my body and for my single loose fitting, patterned shirt. I am also thankful for the people I reached out to today who each gave different and truly helpful perspective (and a fair share of compliments).

My next post is going to be a happier one. I’m already working on it.

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3 Responses to It happened.

  1. I am sorry to read that you are having a hard time, but, you have been such a rock. It seems actually healthy to have a moment of feeling out of whack after everything you have been through. I hope you feel happier as days pass, but you shouldn’t feel any pressure to feel any way in particular. You are who you are…and people will love you even if you have a few months or weeks or days or hours of being something other than cheery. We can handle it!

  2. True inner strength allows for introspection. You have been climbing mountains for so long, it is natural to be winded and need rest. Focus on all you have made happen. Love and hugs. .

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